today is beautiful.

babies are being born today.
today is someone's birthday.
today someone is getting married.
today was someone's first kiss.
it is the best day of someone's life.

today is beautiful.

20 something.

i remember being a kid & looking at those attractive, well dressed, 20 somethings sitting in the libraries. they were smiling, reading their books, doing their homework, & drinking their coffees. & i always thought to myself, "they look so happy, yeah, they must be really happy."
i envied them.
but here i am. i am a 20 something, barely, but still a 20 something. & i may spend days sitting in the libraries, i read my books, i do my homework, i drink my beverages, and sometimes i smile. i forget to sleep and i reckon that's part of being a 20 something. i am currently sitting in my apartment, on my couch, listening to cheap trick & the carpenters & wearing a snap back.
i'm a 20 something.
i remember being a kid & looking at those 20 somethings. wondering what it would be like to be a 20 something. well. here i am, a 20 something. i ask myself sometimes if i'm okay with where i am at the age of 20 something.
& you know, i think i am.
i'm a 20 something. & i'm okay with it.

p.s. tay blogged. check it out right here.

caught 

callused.

confused.

she cradled her love.

she held it tight.

a child,

one she'd nurse,

never release.

real.

irrational.

she cradled her love.

cold.

afraid.

alone.

she cradled her love.

hi, i've been gone for awhile. this is why.

i'm removed.

i'm pleading for escape.
she's not coming.
it isn't normal,
what i've become.

in a day or two,
i tell myself.
in a day or two,
it'll be okay.

i drown myself
in tea
& black ink.


i'm a big girl now. i know what i should be doing, what i should be striving to become but i don't want it. i lost it all, all the want & desire of the girl i was. i can't promise the girl, the woman, i am becoming is a good one, but she's the best i can manage right now.
life is what it is.
i just hope it straightens out & turns itself into a good one.

also. my best buddy, tay, he blogs. check it out billymoney.blogspot.com 
he's funny.

uh hi.

i have forgotten a bra three times in the last week.
how does that even happen?

i hit a cat with my car today.
killed it dead.
i can't go around killing cats.
                   i'm vegetarian.

summer is coming.

& with it a new life.

i miss you guys.
i'll answer questions soon.
. . . maybe. . .

xo.

leonardo is fine.

 i don't get why people say the mona lisa was leonardo da vinci's best work.
i thought he was pretty good in the titanic & in inception too.

these are my work clothes.

i like grey.
it fits my mood these days.
you ever feel like it is probably simply time to quit. . .
but you cannot bring yourself to do it?
yeah.

i got 99 problems & long hair is one.

"forget not that the earth delights to feel
your bare feet & the winds long to play with your hair."
    -khalil gibran.

unattractive me.

how come. . . some girls are complete knockouts when dressed in an oversized sweater & a messy bun. i mean, adorable & just beautiful.
& then. . . there is me.
when i try it - i look like i just stepped out of a meth lab.
its awesome.
meth is awesome.
you know what i mean? pintrest breaks my heart.

i am not. . .

i am not my mistakes.

i am not my bruises.

i am not the bitterness i feel inside.

i am not my gpa.

i am not my weight.

i am not my money.

i am not alone.

movie night under christmas light.

it is finals week.
you should be aware that i've utterly terrible luck with finals week.
last finals week i had mono. & this one is even worse. double time worse.
i've studied my brain to mush. so i lie in bed & watch indie films & cry.
to try & heal the emptiness inside.
if any of you have advice to healing emotional wounds, good movies, good books, good tuneage, please share with me. please.
i'm pleading. i need some inspiration. i'm feeling pretty dull these days.
dull & empty. dull, empty, and alone.

this is my opinion.

whenever i see fifty shades of grey on the best sellers rack at the book store. . .  i think to myself:

"how dare you stand where he stood."

just a thought about love.

love is the most viscious, most painful experience.

that no one should miss out on.

reasons i hate being poor.

. i have to rent books from the library.
. chocolate covered blueberries are ten dollars a bag.
. i can't even afford shopping at the DI.
. movie theaters are far too expensive & i love going to the movies.
. christmas is coming. looks like everyone is getting a heart felt letter.
. can't travel anywhere, it costs too much money.
. i have to drink DP from a can because a fountain everyday adds up.
. stamps are expenisive & i want to send postcards.
. i love fries.
. i really want to buy a killers t shirt.
. cyber monday & black friday.

sometimes i wonder if college is even worth it.
& then i remember i don't want to be poor forever.
so i keep studying.
but really. . . being poor blows.

tight.

i am taking an awesome class this semester in college.
weight control & eating behaviors. its a feel good class.
this week i learned that size 12 is the average for american women.
i didn't believe it at first. so i researched. & . . .
HUZZAH.
it is, like, totally true.
this gives me so much hope.
hope that one day bodacious women will someday rule the world.
like home girl right here.

kids. . .

remember when we were kids & all we wanted to do was grow up?
remember how now that we're grown up all we want to do is be kids?

this world is twisted.

also. yeah. that's me witht the snaggle tooth.

hot stuff. don't gotta tell me twice.

happines . . .

"you're not happy, you're not even trying." he says.
my response comes in tears.
"you don't know." i tell him.
because he doesn't .
what is happiness anyway?
maybe happiness, like life, is all about progression.
maybe happiness, like life, is different for everyone.

&.

i am married to the thought of never being good enough.
i am afraid to get out of bed in the morning.
i am terrified of the reflection looking back at me in the mirror.
my mind longs for constant knowledge and freedom.
my heart and soul are filled with the dreams my brain releases.
i am growing.
all of me is growing. not in size. but in strength.
i am trying and failing.
but i am learning.

sisters.

mine are cool.
& i dig independant films.
& whenever movies come out & people are all like:
'i cannot waaaaait to see that movie.'
i think, 'girl please. i read that book long ago & it'll never compare to the flick i created in my head. but enjoy it. really. please do.'
& then i see it anyways.

i'm good looking. not.

it seems i only attract middle aged, bearded, blue collar workers.

i must be really hot.

i am beginning to question my level of attractiveness.

but those plumbers & forest workers really dig me.

i don't even know.