scattered thoughts that i have.

i feel like i don't even exist.
my mind moves fast.
so fast.

there are a lot of things
i haven't figured out.
like what i am doing with my life.
or what outfit to wear for the day.

i am all over the place.
but never moving.

i want a cactus.
& a globe.

there is really good music out there.
i am really in love with the smashing pumpkins
again.

do you realize

time doesn't stop for any one.

but love does.

that's a painful and burning thought.

but it makes you- forces you- to grow.

i woke up one day

& decided a change of pace 

was necessary.

i smell like  onions

& sweet potato fries.

constantly.

the walking dead.

the walking dead.

the walking dead.

do any of you homies have a smashbook?

if so, lets smash it up, together.

smashbooks are cool.

i'll bet you they get even cooler pretty soon.

like everything else in my life.

the sunshine is nice.

huzzah for a glimpse 

into happiness.

i am very, very grateful 

for the change of seasons.

i work in the pieshake parlor again.

famous people come.

i never know who they are.

because i only love neil diamond.

i am pretty lost right now.

that's kind of a hard thing.

but.

whatever.

so is life.

i read a very nice quote today.

its is  helpful.

it goes like this:

He died not for men,

but for each man.

if each man had 

been the only man

made, He would have 

done no less.

.cs lewis.

love is ridiculous.

but not God's love.

God's love is real.

i got 99 problems & long hair is one.

"forget not that the earth delights to feel
your bare feet & the winds long to play with your hair."
    -khalil gibran.

i made this awhile ago.

& lovers. . . they know what's up.

quote.

she's brilliant.

jane is.

write this down.

young hearts be free tonight.

time is on your side.

-rod stewart.

such a great song.
love me some rod.

trip to the lake.

never have i inhaled so much freshwater.
i find the entertainment mother nature provides us to be the best.
she gave me a lake & a boyfriend.
could i really ask for more?

also. i am reading again.
i breezed through 200 hundred pages today & cried because it was such a stress reliever.
a quote jumped to me from the print & it said...

she could feel herself getting sentimental,

which she always was,

sometimes she missed people before they even left her,

got depressed about a 

vacation being over before it started.

.jennifer close. (girls in white dresses.)

i would say this describes me exactly.

also. i don't like feeling pressured but i don't like growing up either.

sometimes i wish we could just pause & rewind to a perfect memory & hang out there.

for just awhile, to remember it better, savor it.

& then move on. just so the memory is fresh & relatable again.

summer is underway.

cause there's been a whole lot of this...^....up in here.
i am feeling pretty good about this up & coming summer.
punk rock will be the sound track. lots of ramones, violent femmes, the fixx, the clash, & sex pistols.
you ever tried punk rock as your work out music?
yeah dude. it pumps me up.

i have friends.
two.
i love them.
my blonde boys make me laugh.
we laugh a lot.

swim lessons has started. obviously. ^.
charred skin & blistered feet never felt so good.
i still miss a certain someone terribly. i blame my road rage on that.
i love smoothies. & pinterest DIY scrubs.
they don't lie. my skin feels like butter. even after the pool water.
its awesome.

one time stephen hawking said this.
"quiet people have the loudest minds."
he was right. it is the quiet kids that i am most worried about.
because i never know what they are thinking.

summer is my favortie season.
i love it.
& its here.
three cheers.

weekend home.

i come home on the weekend.

i go home on sunday.

i have two homes. its an odd feeling.

i feel like i am in a constant limbo.

my family at home moves on with their lives while i pretend to move on at school. my school life is a constant change. a change in friends, a change in classes, a change in myself.

the time between leaving the family & moving out is an odd one. almost like i am floating. learning new things, finding myself, but floating. never really belonging anywhere.

the most interesting thing of all though is, happiness still seems to come my way.

it finds me in the most obscure ways. through a 25 cent national geographic and a wolf t shirt for a dollar. through sun kissed cheeks and the sweet sounds of the naked and the famous.

& when a general authority says: love is available for all of us.

that's all. except for this quote:

i love the relationship that anyone has with music...

because there's something in us that is beyond the reach

of words, something that eludes &

defies our best attempts to spit it out...

its the best part of us probably.

.nick hornby.

annie hall is a good film.

i am in the library.

watching annie hall.

i am steadily developing a crush on woody allen.

he's funny. his voice is adorable. watch the opening scene here.

also. there is this quote that i love in the film that goes like this:

'do you love me?' .annie.

"love is too weak a word for what--i 'lurve' you. you know? i 'loave' you. i 'luff' you, with two 'fs'. i have to invent." .alvy.

also. i love tuna melts dipped in ketchup.

protein. you know how it is.

today begins spring break.

& i feel like this is what mine'll look like.

ain't no thang.

extremely loud & incredibly close is a really good book.

a quote from it goes like this:

humans are the only animal that blushes, laughs, has religion,

wages war, & kisses with their lips. so in a way,

the more you kiss with lips, the more human you are."

now. go kiss someone.

i got new specs.

i wanted to show you.

& i had a really, really, really good weekend.

& the walking dead is the best thing that ever happened to cable t.v.

& then i have an excellent quote for you:

"don't think about making art, just get it done.

let everyone else decide if its good or bad,

whether they love it or hate it.

while they are deciding,

make even more art."

.andy warhol.

cool dude.

"you've got a mouthful of diamonds

& a pocket full of secrets."

.phantogram.

it is interesting how fast your opinion on a person can switch, alter, cause you to pause & think about whether you really knew the person at all. whether it was you that changed. or them.

on days when you feel down on yourself due to the pictures in the magazines & the beauties on the television screen...you should tell yourself this:

i am beautiful, i am smart,

i am worthy of respect,

i am me. & me is the best

person i can be.

as i am now.

i feel good when i look in the mirror & tell myself that. somedays it works. somedays it doesn't. but so is life. i think i need to go home. i think i need a break from all this reality & enter a fantasy for a weekend. forget about what it is i have to deal with here & remember how life was before college began, before roomies, before i had to cook for myself. it'll feel good.

raise your hand if you are addicted to pinterest. cool dude.

it is only tuesday. but i don't think the weekend could get here soon enough.

go freaking college.

go room mates.

go cucumbers.

its just, like, whatever.

the world is a tough place to live in, have you noticed?

the world can really get you down.

body image. something no one really likes to talk about, ever. unless you are one hundred and fifty percent sure of your body and your personality and your style and you never wish to be something different, you know what i mean. its hard to look around you and see all these beautiful people and wonder where exactly you fit in all of this?

finding your own little corner of the world can be difficult.

its nearly impossible to love someone else if you've a difficult time loving yourself. learning to love yourself is the biggest step in a relationship, i think, because eventually your doubts will dominate the relationship. & you'll discover you are somewhere you really don't want to be.

i've been arguing with myself a whole lot lately. inwardly. beating myself up for the little things. beating myself up for things i have said as well as the things i haven't. i've experienced a lot of inner turmoil over the past four days. i haven't been comfortable with myself mentally, physically, or emotionally and i haven't hid it well. life is hard.

but REM said it best.

"everybody hurts, take comfort in your friends,

everybody hurts, don't throw your hand.

...well everybody hurts sometimes.

everybody cries.

everybody hurts sometimes.

so hold on"

i haven't felt awesome. or smart. or creative.

i haven't created anything beautiful in awhile. and reading the assigned ish is overpowering the pleasurable things i'd rather be reading. i've not been able to sleep because my mind goes a million miles an hour. its kind of a bummer train.

i guess it is time to pray, change my clothes, wash my hair & move on.

life blows sometimes.

but that's life. ain't no doubt about it.

this is simply how it goes.

sunday thoughts.

i realized today that i haven't done "sunday thoughts" in quite some time. i mean its whatever. its not like anyone reads this ish anyways. but i figure one day my offspring might want to dig this up from the depths of cyber space & discover exactly what it was their mother was doing when she was 18 years old.

breakfast for dinner is the best thing that ever happened to a college student. its cheap. its easy. its quick. & it tastes good. (no that was not an innuendo.) & it snowed buckets last night. the heavy, wet kind that makes the power go out. makes me miss summer very, very much.

Jesus is cool. because he constantly shows us how he feels about us & how he thinks we deserve better than we give ourselves. & how he throws things our way when we least expect it. & when God answers our prayers? that right there is love.

i keep finding myself putting jason aldean on repeat. as well as maps & atlases. yeah. my music is across the board. its fine.

my mind seems to think that the world should end when the snow falls. because you know something? snow blows. yes. it does.

can i give you a college tip? its mostly for girls. but watch chick flicks. lots of em. with julia roberts & sally field & natalie portman. because from those movies you'll get really good quotes. quotes like this one:

home is where your history begins.

home is where they catch you when you fall.

.where the heart is.

watching the words form as you type gives you a sense of power. because being able to read & write is probably the only super power i could ask for. except maybe holding my breath for an insane amount of time or being able to punch through brick.

that moment when you put lotion on a dry patch of skin. awesome.

go college.

friday & stuff.

well happy friday kids.

today i wore a grey v neck.

and my marriage & courtship teacher said this:

the perfect female body is the one you have.

right now.

& that was very nice to hear. very nice indeed.

sometimes when your mind is going a million miles an hour you simply need to look around & realize that you are in a better situation than someone, somewhere. & when you're on your period, drink some chocolate milk out of a carton with a straw. even though your body is growing, you can pretend you are still in kindergarten.

it allows you to feel better about yourself for a minute.

& then if you ever feel guilt, listen, you should talk to someone, calmly. because talking it out rather than bottling up brings about so much freedom of emotion.

& i'm slowly learning that it really is okay to cry.

i've had a rough couple of days. but i guess college gets to the best of us. or rather life does. & then i realized that life was good & everything was beautiful.

& i smiled.

p.s. you know what's awesome? looking at your phone & seeing you not only have one text, but five. talk about feeling loved & stuff.

college tip #355

we entered a world alone.

& we'll someday leave it.

but my only wish is that i'll leave it with you.

sometimes. when i'm happy, i think things like this.^ in my head.

& don't worry. college bites. the learning is good. i love the learning. i like the schedule. i like knowing what's going to happen next. but i don't like a one upper or a smart aleck. though i obviously fall under both of those categories which is perhaps the very reason i hate them. my life is good. i've had a few shaky moments this week but nothing you can't overcome by a nice heart to heart that begins with bending to your knees. life isn't always executed according to your plan, its what God wants not you. & sometimes its hard as hell to have to accept that. but you do. you have to.

fear & anticipation & worry have overcome my body. i constantly think about the future. about growing old. i anticipate change with fear but with a smile. i wouldn't say i embrace it, but i'll try to accept it. i'm learning to fend for my own, to love, to teach, & to listen.

& i'm feeling pretty good about it so far. heard a good quote recently. one that sums up the college board exactly:

they'll come after you. just

for the ugly fun of tearing

you apart.

.farley mowat.

also. i've got a college tip too. that tip is this...read. read your little heart out. read everything. read anything. read people's minds, read menus in the restaurant, read the look on your professors face, read the nutrition guide on your go gurt. for heaven's sake. just read.

that's all.

word.

chalking in january.

duuude. chalking in january is, like, so cool.
chalking in january in short sleeves & gym shorts?
aha. that is even cooler.
go spring weather in what should be the dead of winter.
i could get used to this.

also.
c.s. lewis, absolutly love him. he said this.
friendship is unnecessary, like philosphy, like art...it has no survival value; rather it is one of those that give value to survival.

ahhh. why are words so beautiful & people so smart? because God works wonders that's why. want to hear a good song? this one. called international airport by carbon leaf. have you ever wondered what you'd name your band, if you had one? i feel like my name would include the word teacup. maybe "mustaches in a teacup." who knows? me either. but you could come up with some pretty rad t shirts from that name, i think.
happy days are here again. word up kids.

cold fingers typed this.

i'm not entirely sure how to work the heater in my home. so i awoke to a household set to the temperature of 48 degrees. ah. murder. i'm wearing gloves, long underwear, & a sock monkey cap to stay warm. bad news. we're out of hot cocoa. & i don't really want to go outside, so i'll stay in & play scrabble alone by the fire because santa brought me a new board & the webster's official scrabble player dictionary. so please. be jealous. cause it was the second best thing i opened.
i've heard a person pees six times a day. well, i think a person pees six times a day if she's not a frequent fountain drinker at the hart's. its noon & i've been far more than six. its noon & i've been to hart's twice. its an addiction. don't judge.
singing to the radio is, like, the best thing ever. we know we sound terrible, but we pretend we sound absolutely fantastic. that's where the fun is.
i play two songs over & over while i sit next to the fire. a. annabelle: joshua james. & b. i don't mind: defeater.
going to the deseret industries the days after christmas is a good idea. especially if you'd like to dress your man in second hand sweaters & skinny ties that resemble cheap motel bedspreads & worn leather shoes. & yourself in floral & lace.
speaking of my man.
here he is. he's dashing isn't he. (that was a statement. not a question.)
this picture was far too beautiful nor to share. perhaps i'm partial, but honey, he's handsome. so very handsome. we be stealing kisses anywhere we can.


& then a man named winston churchill once said...
success is not final, failure is not fatal: it is the courage to continue that counts.
ever have those days when you struggle getting out of bed & alls you want to do is read & read & write & read some more? its perfectly okay to go along with those days. because sometime people can be just so overbearing & your own company is what you need.
so grab a book, turn on the fire place, and for heaven's sake. get lost for a few hours. i promise you, you'll come back feeling refreshed. honest.
also. maybe you could jot a few new year's resolutions down. i will. if you do.
happy new year, i guess.
word.

feeling christmas.

that feeling when you take the first sip of peppermint cocoa with extra whipped cream.
that feeling when you open a copy of your favorite novel for the first time.
that feeling when your home is lit with the lights of christmas.
that feeling when you light an evergreen scented candle.
that feeling of finding a new favorite christmas carol.
that feeling when you are cuddled next to the fire with that novel.
that feeling of new christmas themed socks.
that feeling of christmas. it is irreplaceable.

& helen keller once said:
"the only blind person at christmastime
is he who has not christmas in his heart."