20 something.

i remember being a kid & looking at those attractive, well dressed, 20 somethings sitting in the libraries. they were smiling, reading their books, doing their homework, & drinking their coffees. & i always thought to myself, "they look so happy, yeah, they must be really happy."
i envied them.
but here i am. i am a 20 something, barely, but still a 20 something. & i may spend days sitting in the libraries, i read my books, i do my homework, i drink my beverages, and sometimes i smile. i forget to sleep and i reckon that's part of being a 20 something. i am currently sitting in my apartment, on my couch, listening to cheap trick & the carpenters & wearing a snap back.
i'm a 20 something.
i remember being a kid & looking at those 20 somethings. wondering what it would be like to be a 20 something. well. here i am, a 20 something. i ask myself sometimes if i'm okay with where i am at the age of 20 something.
& you know, i think i am.
i'm a 20 something. & i'm okay with it.

p.s. tay blogged. check it out right here.

my boy is good looking.

hello there,
the world is full of hope but it is so hard to find.
there is nothing to clean out my mind.
its hard to trip & fall over my own feet.
to stumble over my own words.
loneliness is uncomfortable..

but despite the way my life has been turned upside down i still dig happy lists.

happy list on november 13. 
.maverik runs.
.soft hair.
.loggins & messina.
.cardigans.
.boat shoes.
.the written word.
.the book of mormon.
.using a pen for the first time.
.deep breaths.
.the cold air.
.grocery shopping.
.english professors.
.christmas lights.
.photos on the wall.
.sleeping bags.
.dr pepper.
.& a super hot boyfriend.

huzzah.

things i would tell my thirteen year old self.

i wish i had known then what i know now. isn't that such a cliche?
it is true though. i wish i could've calmed my thirteen year old mind of all the worries she had. they were irrational. if i could talk to her, my young self, i would tell her to relax. i would tell her to learn how to breathe.
inhale.
exhale.
i would tell her the music she is listening to now is worthless. i would tell her the boys she was in love with will end up fat & ugly & still playing sports. i would tell her to stop trying to convince her best friend to like her. she ends up pregnant anyways. if i met my thirteen year old self i would tell her to start journaling now. to open up her mind & let her thoughts flow to paper. i would tell her it is okay to feel vulnerable. i would high five her for making it this far. i would tip her on the DI and on exercise. i would teach her how to use a thesauraus & show her good television.
if i ever came across my thirteen year old self i would convince her to throw all the desperate acts for acceptance out the window. i would tell her to pat herself on the back & move forward. i would teach her about blue mascara & dr. pepper.
if i ever met my thirteen year old self i would hug her. because i would know how much she ached for love then. i would spend my time convincing her that beauty is only skin deep. but most of all i would tell her to be patient because the best kind of love is coming her way.
all she has to do is endure.

if i ever met my thirteen year old self i would tell her to have faith.

&.

i am married to the thought of never being good enough.
i am afraid to get out of bed in the morning.
i am terrified of the reflection looking back at me in the mirror.
my mind longs for constant knowledge and freedom.
my heart and soul are filled with the dreams my brain releases.
i am growing.
all of me is growing. not in size. but in strength.
i am trying and failing.
but i am learning.

if we are being honest...

my summer simply hasn't seen enough of any of this.^^
growing up is a challenge. finding time to fit in everything is a lesson worth learning.
i feel like i learn something new everyday. but i am not sure its what i'd like to be learning.

fact. i am never not tired.

fact. the band cake is a great one for the long drives on the freeway late at night.

fact. i am so antisocial it isn't even funny or normal.

fact. my 80s movie collection is expanding. thank the heavens for the five dollar movie bin at wal mart.

fact. my feet always hurt.

fact. i am happily engaged in to kill a mockingbird. best book ever written. i will name my daughter scout. i will, i will.

fact. watermelon is the second best thing about summer.

fact. i just had a birthday.

fact. i have freckles sprouting in places like never before.

fact. sexual innuendos get me through the day.

fact. i love summer.

life is moving fast. i wish summer would slow down, give us a breather. time to enjoy the warm nights and bare feet. but one day passes with another. & i wonder where its all gone.
i'm slowly learning to appreciate the life of a grown up.
slowly.
slowly.
but its still not coming.
three cheers for the days we never thought'd come.

lesson#1

in these bodies we will live,

in these bodies we will die,

where you invest your love,

you invest your life.

-mumford&sons.

learn to love.