...why don't you ever learn...

Today, at lunch, instead of staying in the halls of Pleasant Grove High School at lunch, Megs, Lyss and I decided to head to Lyss' for pot stickers. I left wesley and evan there, at school, leaving them rubbed the wrong way. Oh well. They'll be alright. After pot stickers, we found ourselves in Lyss' room. Busting moves and a gaskett or two out to Disney songs. As if sent from the gods (no pun intended) I won't say I'm in Love decided to embrace our ears. As I listened to the lyrics, my heart sunk, and leapt, at the same time...si. It is possible. The lyrics said this:

"I thought my heart had learned its lesson.

It feels so good when you start out.
My head is screaming, "get a grip girl!"

Unless you're dying to cry your heart out!"

It occured to me that those lyrics, cliche, I am aware, but they mirror what I am going through right now, right down to a t. No bueno. My head is telling me to get a grip, my heart is aching for love. Its aching to be broken...again. I hate this. I am clinging to whatever I can find. I heart wes. He's there for me. I heart Megs. She is dos. More so even. But the dos of them dont get along. Why? I cannot tell you, but they don't. My heart is saying, "Mandi, you need wesley." My brain knows better, it is the smart one, "Mandi," It says, "You'll get hurt. You always do."

I'm at a loss right now. I don't want to hold on. False. I do. I don't know what to do!! I don't want to love brock. I don't want to miss Hirsche. But I do. I go for whatever will please me at the moment. I want to run. I want to run away. From everything. But, I can't. I wont. I ache. Last night was bad. Wes is leaving for a week. Hirsche. Hates. Me. Brock doesn't realize, but that is all my fault. Nothing is the same as it once was. I miss it all.