jane eyre is my hero. i'm serious.

I Am No Bird.

            The soft red glow flashed 12:00. “Did the power go out?” I thought. I didn’t remember ever falling asleep. I felt my forehead: a cold, damp sweat.  I wiped it away with the back of my hand. I reached for the glass of water on the nightstand. My hand moved faster than my brain, the glass fell to the carpet “Oh hell.” I said to the darkness. My legs slid slowly from beneath the covers and met the puddle that had begun to form. The now empty glass glittered in the moonlight, mocking me.

            Anger rose to my throat and in an act of impulse I threw the glass against the wall. It shattered on impact. Here I was, sometime after midnight, my knees now damp. A mess of shattered glass spread across the room. I was exhausted. My only thoughts were sleep.

             Sleep and pain.

            Heartache.

             I closed my eyes and rested my head against the pale yellow wall and let the tears fall. Each tear came faster than the one before. I was overwhelmed with life, with growing up, with love, and the pain of it all.

            I was tired of feeling tired.

            Broken images of the last few weeks crossed my mind; each a negative thought. My life didn’t feel right. Nothing felt right.  Hugging my knees to my chest I collapsed into the fetal position and asked myself how I’d let it come this far.

My job was a mess; I was overworking and taking blame. My heart ached with the pangs of puppy love; and my thoughts, my biggest attacker, had left me bruised and broken.

            And I took it.

            I took it. That’s what astonished me most, I bent over and took it.

            I was miserable.

            I cried. I cried and cried.

            “What the hell am I doing?” I asked myself when the crying turned to a sob.  How pathetic a scene I was painting; huddled against the wall, tears and snot mixing together and falling to the collar of my oversized t shirt.

            Pathetic. I was pathetic.

            It took everything I had to stand up. I ran my fingers through my hair and brought it to a ponytail.  I opened the worn copy of Jane Eyre and felt the comfort and familiarity of its words before reading them. My fingers searched the dog-eared pages until they found the quote underlined time and time again; the page almost worn through. 

            I read Jane’s words.  Jane Eyre, so independent, so free, so sure of herself. Jane Eyre who had witnessed the darker hour and gained from it. I read her words and the sobbing ceased. There were only leftover tears now. Jane’s words, her thoughts, and her character; although fiction chased away the darkness; her words reached out of her story and ended my darkness. Jane’s words gave me hope

            “I am no bird; and no net ensnares me: I am a free human being with an independent will.”