I. can't. take. it.

I cant do it. This is my fault. This is his fault. This is nobody's fault. This just happens. Its life. Sometimes you don't always get what you want. I am used to that. Sometimes you have to face consequences. But. This. This is not what I expected. He was my best friend. He was what my life revolved around. He is what i needed. and he needed me. But all good things come to an end. He called me a liar. I let my big mouth run. I am worried. genuinly. I want him back, i want my best friend to pass me in the hall and say "Mandi Call. Where have you been all my life." I want him to smile and put his arm around me and say "Don't worry. I'll come over later." I want him to be my best friend again. I didnt love him. Oh for the love NO! I had nothing more than brotherly love for the boy. But. He was my best friend.

I am not really sure what to do now.

I turned to my Lord. For some reason I feel strongly that I need to get away. I need to take a break. I need to branch out. I am exiling boys. I will hang out with them. I will. But. I won't like them. I won't hold hands. I won't cuddle. I'll hug. But i will not like anyone. I cant have an attachment. Cause. In the end one of you screws the other one over. And someone gets hurt. I feel like i am breaking up with someone. But I'm not. Its worse. Its my best friend. I repeat. I loved him not at all. I wasnt crushing on him. He was just my bro.

Hirsche Baby,
I hurt. Are you aware? I wish you and I could just get along. I wish we could be friends. I wish when you walk past me in the hall you say hi. You see Hirsche. I will miss this. I will miss our friendship. I will. But. Baby, this is probably what we need. A break. I wish we hadnt fought like this. I wish we could just be friends.
I'm pretty sure you dont care. But. I pray you realize that you need your Lord. I tried to show you that. I hope it worked. I hope you realize that when you're ready. I will be here. I will help you. If you ever need someone to talk to. When you watch Harry Potter, will you laugh because we have so many inside jokes with that. When you watch Hot Rod, will you smile and say, "where do you get off!" In a really high voice and throw your arms to the side. When you listen to brother neil, will you think of me and throw your hands to the sky cause that's what they're there for. Will you be able to say the word baby without thinking of me. Will you click your tounge when your upset. When someone mentions the zoo. What will go through your mind? Pet Rocks. Do they still have value? Maycee. I love Maycee. Tell her that.
Hirsche. You were my best friend. There hasn't been one day I have not talked to you since the beginning of the summer. Savers? Who will come to your mind everytime you go there. Today, as i planned to go to savers, I nearly called you, but decided against you. Fudruckers? Can I go there alone? Nah. Who will eat the rest of my milkshake for me? Wes. Nah. Baby, baby, baby. I really wish you and I were still best friends.
Don't hurt yourself. Please. Its all I want. I want you to be happy. I want you to have fun. Please dont pass me in the hall and look straight at me, say nothing then turn to the person next to you and say, "I hate her." That. Will. Kill. Me.
I can't. I can't do this. But I have to.
You are still my friend.
If you ever need me....call.

Love: Mandi Baby